After I got the idea for how I would spend much of my lottery winnings, I thought "Why stop there? There are many MANY people just as annoying as Larry and Irwin"
I thought about celebrities who like to give us their views on politics and the environment and equal rights for mentally-deficient penguins, and the list quickly became so huge that I realised it needed to be pared down to just the most truly annoying, hateful, evil, or just do or say something so egregious that it makes you want to take a newspaper, roll it up into a tight tube, and smack them REALLY hard on their nose and yell "NO!!"
I used to be able to use Michael Jackson as the prime example of that last category, but since his demise I've been casting-around for someone new to ordain with the title of Imperial Imbecile.
There were many aspirants to the throne: Sarah Palin looked pretty much a shoo-in for the title after putting her foot into her mouth so many times, she had to have all her fangs removed and replaced with human-looking teeth.
Of course, seeing one woman whose medication no longer works aspiring to high office was bound to cause a series of wingnuts whose husbands are just a touch too shady to run for public office themselves having their vacuous wives run instead. They were quickly proven to be all sizzle and no substance (Thankyou God!) and pretty much ended their fifteen minutes before I could find truly valid reasons for them to make The List.
Many people were too obvious, such as the owner of the gas station who, during Hurricane Katrina, was charging 7 bucks a gallon for gas. The normal price was something less than half that before the evacuation started. Or David Blaine who was so desparate for attention that he sat in a transparent plastic box for just over six weeks while people walked past and pointed at him, causing China to send probes to the Moon to look for places they could build a colony in the hopes that they were creating a place that was inaccessible to Blaine, therefore saving them from having to endure any of his unremittingly mindless acts of self-indulgence.
Eventually, the person I settled on to make The List after Larry and Irwin was someone so annoying, so able to raise my blood-pressure to near-apocalyptic levels, that I had actively contemplated attending the Grammies packing an M-16 and a suicide note.
Every time you turned on the TV, it showed pictures of this broad drunk, under arrest, pregnant, bald, stoned, or just walking across the (expletive deleted) road!
Every second story on the news was about she was married, divorced, in custody, forgetting her kid in the bathroom of a night-club, or being busted for being completely f****d-up and stupid in public.
Man, I prayed daily for God to strike Britney Spears with lightning-bolts or locusts or her own personal asteroid, but once again, God was off causing earthquakes and hurricanes as retribution for Mankind's sin of allowing Reality TV to continue. So after I'd got the message that there wasn't gonna be no Message, I joyously added Britney to The List.
I'd be doing it not just for me, but for teenage girls, the parents of teenage girls, the brothers of teenage girls, and the Greater Good of Humanity.
I remember hearing a joke many years ago.
Wanna hear it?
"Knock Knock"
"Who's There?"
"Britney Spears"
"Britney Spears who?"
"That's Showbusiness!"
Unfortunately, this train-wreck-waiting-to-happen keeps failing to crash completely, and doesn't even have the honour to take the Amy Winehouse Route To Eternal Obscurity, another event I have fervently prayed would come about.
I'm now going to sigh wistfully, stare off into the distance, and dream of the day I can afford two dozen little Ninja-assasin guys
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