So, should I manage to overcome odds of 175,711,536 and win a Mega Millions lottery jackpot all to myself, just like Stewie Griffin, I have a little list.
My friends can easily attest, however, to my list originating before Bush Jr. became President, and more specific in nature.
I made a pact with God.
I said to Her "If you let me win this MegaMillions, I'll use 90% of it to do good things.
First, I'm gonna take care of the people who daily spread a wave of low-grade evil throughout Mankind by their words or deeds."
I settled down, got myself into a thoroughly illegal state of mind, took up pen and paper, and started writing The List.
My first action was to decide who the most truly obnoxious, annoying, evil, and mind-numbingly stupid people who manage to infect the airwaves with their mindless drivel, messages of hate, arrogance, ignorance, self-aggrandizement, intolerance, or unbelievable stupidity.
I also decided that there were certain people that were just too easy, and I had to have specific reasons for putting them on The List, not just because they're French or because they constantly spell the word "definitely" d-e-f-i-n-a-t-e-l-y, or lived in Seattle. Nope, the reason had to be personal. It had to be acceptable to multitudes of people (in case I ever ended up in front of a jury of my peers), and it had to be able to be classed as being for "The Greater Good Of Mankind".
Originally, if you want the truth, it wasn't even a List. It started as I was driving home along the 405 Freeway one night, listening to the radio, and for the fifth time in less than the time it had taken me to smoke a cigarette, there was a commercial from Larry Miller, the owner of Sit 'n' Sleep mattress store.
Or, as I call him, "Larry The Mattress Bastard" (or "That Bastard" for short).
If you haven't heard or seen this guy's commercials, he's a loud obnoxious douchebag who reels-off the names of the mattresses he's shilling (most of which start with the letter "S"), and then ends it with " .... will beat ANYONE'S advertised price or your mattress is FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
As if that weren't enough to make you want to strap a vest-full of C-4 to your chest, the very next commercial was ANOTHER Sit'n'Sleep ad, only THIS time, his accountant Irwin was there whining about how he had to stop slashing prices because "YOU'RE KILLING ME, LARREEEEEEEEE".
Okay, mebbe the first time you hear it, it's cute.
After two or three hundred times, it made me wanna find a tower, a school, and a bolt-action rifle.
So I got down on my knees and prayed.
I prayed for my soul.
I prayed for my sanity.
I prayed for the return of Cagney & Lacey.
I prayed for the sake of unborn millions "Please God .... let me win the lottery tonight so I can hire a couple of assassins to go and take this mother****er out! .... I'll go to church every Sunday, God, and I'll quit smoking and go down to the soup-kitchen and read poetry to homeless guys .... I'll donate what I don't use gettin' rid of Larry and Irwin to feeding poor kids, or cancer research or savin' the whales ... just let me make this bastard suffer for this before he dies"
Well, God wasn't listening to me that day ... I think She was busy causing an earthquake in Haiti because there were gay penguins in a zoo in San Francisco or something that day ... so Larry and Irwin are still here.
At least, until I win the Lotto......
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